Thoughts Rolling Around In My Head

I’m not sure how I feel  about life right now.  Things are good.  My marriage is great.  If I’m honest, that ebbs and flows and I’m very thankful when it’s good.  My kids are doing great.  They’re both so well adjusted to a new school and new friends.  My job is great.  Life is good.  Something just isn’t clicking for me in the midst of the good.  I was talking to a friend the other day about her journey and I was telling her that emotionally, I don’t think I was ready for the transition that we made leaving Texas for Florida.  Levi was, he had made peace with that.  For me, not so much.  I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready to leave my friends.  I wasn’t ready to start over.  I wasn’t ready to not be a pastor’s wife at Catalyst (pretty sure I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife anywhere else at this point).  I took that role very seriously in terms of being so connected with not just our church people but also our neighbors and our community.  I went from being very comfortable where I was and what I was doing to being very uncomfortable in a completely new environment where I haven’t quite figured out where I fit in.  It’s been a lot for me to process and try to understand.  I’m so happy for Catalyst and I’m so thankful that they’ve found a new pastor and that things will move along for them.  That thrills my heart.  At the same time, I’m so sad that the new pastor’s wife gets to enjoy all my people and relationships.  I hope she’s up for the challenge, she is a lucky lady.

I’m also reminded that when we first moved to Rowlett, it wasn’t rainbows and cupcakes.  It was hard and it was awful for a while, a long while.  I have a friend on facebook who started Truthful Tuesdays in an effort to be vulnerable and share burdens and just live authentically (in the social media sense).  I feel like I had that down where we were. I felt like I could share with my friends my struggles and faults.  I’ve tried to remember to share publicly my Truthful Tuesdays and I love reading from the other ladies who are posting. 

It reminds me that I’m not alone, that I’m okay being not okay, that when I share authentically-I’m not asking for a fix or advice, just to be heard; that sometimes being honest is hard especially when I’m being honest with me, that parenting sucks sometimes, that my marriage isn’t perfect, that I’m a jerk sometimes, that life is wonderful, that I’m blessed beyond measure.

This life is a journey and a process and I know who walks with me.  I know that God has His eyes on me and that HE goes before and behind and between.  I’m thankful that I can look back and see His goodness and graciousness and provision in my life. 

In the midst of “not being ready” for what life had for me, I knew that moving was what needed to happen.  My husband is healthier and less stressed.  His happiness had to trump mine…I don’t mean that I’m not happy. I live 5 minutes from the most amazing parents in the world.  My kids can ride a bike, lawn mower, or walk to my parent’s house and hang out with them whenever they want.  I live near my sister and niece and extended family.  That has been my desire for the last 14 years.  I’m happyJ  My point is that sometimes when we follow God and where He is leading, it’s not rosy and that’s okay.  I know that God has plans for us here. I’m excited to see how He will use Levi  and his experience as a church planter.  I’m excited to see how He will use me.  I miss singing so badly, I can’t wait to plug in and use that gift.  I know that God is faithful.  I have to remember His ways are higher than mine and relinquish that control.  I’m trying to enjoy the journey and find the value in the process of it all.