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Sunday, November 2, 2014

TMI

I probably should have called my blog Rants and Raves...maybe just Rants. I realize that I only like to blog when I'm upset about something or sad or bothered....well sometimes I blog happy things. I realize that very few people read my blog.  I feel like it's more of a diary-ish thing that helps me get things off my chest. So here goes.... Sundays are the hardest days of the week. Not all Sundays, they've definitely gotten easier.  Today was a hard one.  It happened to be that I've talked with more of my friends from our previous life today than normal.  And they're hurting.  I hate that. I wish I were there to give them a hug and share a cup of coffee with them. I feel responsible for them in a lot of ways.  That's a the control freak in me and I'm not in denial about that;)

I hate that in the church and in social media we have to act like we have it all together.  We only post the sweet, romantic things that our spouses do. We share and comment about our children like they can do no wrong and like they should be most important to everyone else.  Pastors are super guilty of acting like their relationships are great and their children are perfect. I hate that. I mean I abhor it.  I'm sorry if I ever portrayed our household that way.  We are not, our marriage is not perfect, our kids are not perfect.  My husband and my kids do a lot that make me want to pull my hair out (and vice versa).  I wish we could all just live in a vulnerable manner.  I wish we could go outside without our makeup on and be okay with not being okay.  I wish we could say, "My kid is driving me crazy. I don't know how to stop this or that."  I'm guilty of it myself.  There are lots of people that I can be very vulnerable with and show my true colors and my faults.  And then, there are those people who seem fake to me and try to portray perfection....and my radar goes off and I keep them at arms length because I don't trust their authenticity.  As a pastor's wife, there were lots that I loved and I think that was because how different our people were.  The majority of them lived very authentically with us and I loved that. I loved listening and talking and sharing life with them.  I didn't mind being "bothered" on a Sunday afternoon or any other night of the week to meet up at Starbucks to talk. I felt like it was such a mutual help.  I miss that.

I have to keep reminding myself that the first two or so years in Texas were so hard.  We felt so alone.  We were broke as a joke.  We had to put ourselves out there repeatedly to make friends and relationships.  We did it because we had to have people...not members of our church but people.  We needed friends.  I'm trying to remember that now.  We will establish a community here.  We will have friends to walk through life with.  It'll happen.

And in the meantime, I'm loving my friendship with my mom and sister.  I love sitting on my mom's front porch after school with a glass of iced tea talking about my day while the kids play outside.  I love that I can call her and we can go shopping or share dinner. My kids can take horseback riding lessons from my dad.  They jump on the tractor or in the hay wagon to help feed with Coach. Coach and Nana are at their school performances and soccer games. That was what was so hard about being so far away.  I'm savoring every second of that. See...there was a little happy.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Fear

So, I have some really irrational fears.  I'm afraid I'm going to die young.  I want to be to the point where I'm okay to die but I'm not. It terrifies me.   That being said, this past week, I read two very interesting news articles.  Both were about women who have brain tumors and are dying.  One is choosing to use assisted suicide to end her suffering.  The other is dying and is embracing the journey of death.  Both stories are heartbreaking.
I was talking to a friend tonight about wanting to know the who, what, when, where, and why of the future.  I have a hard time living in the moment and enjoying the journey.  Her advice was to enjoy the moment and that God will reveal His plan and purpose in His time.  What a sweet reminder for me.
As I read the stories of two young moms who are quickly approaching the end of their lives, I am convicted.  I want to live in the moment and embrace life.  Life goes by so quickly. I don't want to waste it worrying or living in fear.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

So the morning after thoughts....

In light of my post yesterday...I have to post today.  This morning I was able to sleep in.  I was able to peruse pinterest until I found the perfect method for making a wreath.  I went to our storage shed and got all of my Fall and Halloween decorations.  I leisurely decorated for fall and then created a Fall wreath to hang on my door which then turned into a centerpiece because I found a fall wreath in my decorations. I spruced up said fall wreath.  I forgot how much I enjoy crafting and creating.  It was rejuvenating to be able to do that without rushing or hurrying.  The kids and I cleaned up around the house while Levi was in town running errands.  I did laundry then organized my linen closet which was a wreck since we moved in.  I got to do little things that I needed to be done.  I spent a chunk of time on the phone with a friend and with my mother in law which was so nice.

I'm thankful for my Saturdays that are low key and relaxing.  I have to say that our Saturdays before were spent filled up with other people's events and our events and we had lots of fun.  But, they weren't very relaxing for the most part...fun, but not relaxing.  I've enjoyed that change immensely.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Thoughts Rolling Around In My Head

I’m not sure how I feel  about life right now.  Things are good.  My marriage is great.  If I’m honest, that ebbs and flows and I’m very thankful when it’s good.  My kids are doing great.  They’re both so well adjusted to a new school and new friends.  My job is great.  Life is good.  Something just isn’t clicking for me in the midst of the good.  I was talking to a friend the other day about her journey and I was telling her that emotionally, I don’t think I was ready for the transition that we made leaving Texas for Florida.  Levi was, he had made peace with that.  For me, not so much.  I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready to leave my friends.  I wasn’t ready to start over.  I wasn’t ready to not be a pastor’s wife at Catalyst (pretty sure I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife anywhere else at this point).  I took that role very seriously in terms of being so connected with not just our church people but also our neighbors and our community.  I went from being very comfortable where I was and what I was doing to being very uncomfortable in a completely new environment where I haven’t quite figured out where I fit in.  It’s been a lot for me to process and try to understand.  I’m so happy for Catalyst and I’m so thankful that they’ve found a new pastor and that things will move along for them.  That thrills my heart.  At the same time, I’m so sad that the new pastor’s wife gets to enjoy all my people and relationships.  I hope she’s up for the challenge, she is a lucky lady.
I’m also reminded that when we first moved to Rowlett, it wasn’t rainbows and cupcakes.  It was hard and it was awful for a while, a long while.  I have a friend on facebook who started Truthful Tuesdays in an effort to be vulnerable and share burdens and just live authentically (in the social media sense).  I feel like I had that down where we were. I felt like I could share with my friends my struggles and faults.  I’ve tried to remember to share publicly my Truthful Tuesdays and I love reading from the other ladies who are posting. 
It reminds me that I’m not alone, that I’m okay being not okay, that when I share authentically-I’m not asking for a fix or advice, just to be heard; that sometimes being honest is hard especially when I’m being honest with me, that parenting sucks sometimes, that my marriage isn’t perfect, that I’m a jerk sometimes, that life is wonderful, that I’m blessed beyond measure.
This life is a journey and a process and I know who walks with me.  I know that God has His eyes on me and that HE goes before and behind and between.  I’m thankful that I can look back and see His goodness and graciousness and provision in my life. 

In the midst of “not being ready” for what life had for me, I knew that moving was what needed to happen.  My husband is healthier and less stressed.  His happiness had to trump mine…I don’t mean that I’m not happy. I live 5 minutes from the most amazing parents in the world.  My kids can ride a bike, lawn mower, or walk to my parent’s house and hang out with them whenever they want.  I live near my sister and niece and extended family.  That has been my desire for the last 14 years.  I’m happyJ  My point is that sometimes when we follow God and where He is leading, it’s not rosy and that’s okay.  I know that God has plans for us here. I’m excited to see how He will use Levi  and his experience as a church planter.  I’m excited to see how He will use me.  I miss singing so badly, I can’t wait to plug in and use that gift.  I know that God is faithful.  I have to remember His ways are higher than mine and relinquish that control.  I’m trying to enjoy the journey and find the value in the process of it all.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Church Visiting

DISCLAIMER:  I'm going to be honest. I am not naming "church" names. I do not mean to be offensive or hurt feelings and I'm sure I'm going to be over critical but that is not my intent.  If you know me, you'll understand this.

I don't know any other way to be than real and truthful...I'm going to try really hard not to God talk...that's honestly a HUGE turnoff for me.  Here's the truth, I know God is with us.  I know God has called us.  I know God will never leave us. Those are not thoughts or even doubts for me.  But the reality of it is, even knowing those things, life happens and sometimes it sucks and is not great.  I wish Christians would be more honest because their honesty does not indicate a mistrust or a betrayal of who God is and what's He's done. It's been very refreshing to share honestly, the pain of our move with our Texas family.  We are all still hurting over our transition. Quite frankly, if Levi could have left his position as lead pastor and we could have maintained our life there, that would probably have been choice #1 but that was not a realistic, feasible option.  So, here we are and life is progressing in a total different way.  One huge hurdle is finding a church. What we had at Catalyst was so unique and lovely. It will be hard to find that.  So, that leaves us with visiting churches.  The first week, Levi was here and we tried a church that is a satellite church.  I loved the  music, seriously it was amazing.  Top quality and top notch musicians and vocalists.  However, it's a satellite church which means the pastor is not right there an we watched on video.  The message was quality and great but just felt weird not being able to talk to him.  Then, we missed a week due to vacation.  Then, it was just the kids and I.  We went back to the first church.  They had a live speaker that week and I thought it was good.  The music was killer, again. This church definitely has a cool vibe. Today, we tried a new church. The pastor was not speaking so it was not a normal Sunday. The kids loved their classes.  The music was current but was not as phenomenal by any means as the first church.  I'm not sure how I felt walking away today.  It will be good to go back to see the pastor do the teaching and see a more "normal" week.  It will also be good to go back with Levi. I think we will try a few more churches.  I know I will not get a perfect church and truth be told, Catalyst was/is not a perfect church.  We are going to have to find a church that fits all of us the best.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Change Sucks

I know such language right?  I don't know any other way to say it.  Change just absolutely stinks and I hate it.  So, it's been almost a month since we left Texas.  Levi resigned from Catalyst, our church.  There was nothing wrong...no moral or ethical failures, just needed a change of pace.  That feeling for him had been building for a long time.  The weird part for me is that I could have stayed.  I loved our life, our friends, etc. However, I love my husband more.  We moved to Newberry, Florida into a manufactured home (a pride issue for me).  We live on my parents' 30 acres and when we open our front door, we look out over 25 green acres with beautiful horses.  We have chicken coops behind us and hear the rooster crowing A LOT.  My kids can walk down the dirt road about 1/2 mile and walk into my parents' backyard.  I love that my kids adore my parents and vice versa.  That part is fabulous.  I will never get these moments back with my parents and I am savoring these moments.  I've said this all along, I don't know how my heart can be so happy and so sad at the same time.  It's been almost 4 weeks now.  I've been okay until this last week.  Levi has been gone for a 2 weeks now and won't be home for a few more days.  So, we're out of our routine without him but also with all the change.  The kids and I have been pretty lonely.  We've tried a church and the kids love it but I'm not sure we'll stay there. I think we're going to try a couple of other churches.  So, that's another area that is out of whack for us.  It seems like nothing is settled.  I know that once school starts and we get into a routine and the kids and I make friends, things will get better. I know that in my head but that's not helping right now.

I know that this is what our family should have done and I know it will all be okay.  Just hoping our hearts heal. Sorry for the negativity but wanted to share where I am.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Mowing

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Yesterday I mowed the yard. I was doing it as an act of love for Levi. He’s been reffing trying to earn some extra money. I didn’t want him to have to come home after reffing in the hot Texas sun for 6 hours to mowing the yard and the neighbor’s yard. Another story in itself…anyway. As I was mowing, I kept thinking the mower wasn’t cutting the grass short enough. At one point, I reached down with one hand to move a lever which didn’t move so I just kept mowing knowing something wasn’t quite right. I mean, it was cutting the tall pieces of grass but it didn’t feel like it was short enough. When Levi got home, he was very appreciative that the grass was mowed. I told him that I thought something wasn’t right. He had mowed our neighbor’s backyard a week ago and her grass was really high. He put the blades up and didn’t lower them. It made perfect sense.
I can see a spiritual correlation here for myself. I work hard, I try to do the right things but come up feeling like something's not exactly right. I try to tweak something but it's still not right. I don't want to live that way. I want to live fully engaged with all blades going. Sometimes I feel that way and I've realized it's a phase and kind of cyclical. I feel that way when I'm tired I've struggled this last week with reading my Bible. I can really tell a difference in my actions, reactions, and compassion for others when I don't stay connected, not just in reading but also in praying too. I'm going to make an effort this week to be more consistent. We've got a lot going on this week and I'm already tired....I know the week hasn't started.